The classical definition of narcissism in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (i.e., the DSM-5) is a personality disorder in which one expresses a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy. A “narcissist” has an inflated sense of self-importance, is preoccupied with success, power, beauty (or other appealing superficial quality), believes she is “special,” has an inflated sense of entitlement, is envious of others, and is usually excessively arrogant.
Like with most psychological disorders, especially personality disorders, there is a spectrum of severity with which pathology exists, and narcissism is no different. In fact, every person has an element of narcissism, which is healthy to becoming a productive member of society. Without any narcissism, people would have no reason to take care of themselves or strive for any amount of monetary or personal success. So, how does one stray from the path of healthy narcissism into a more extreme or even pathological form?
The psychologist Heinz Kohut explored narcissism through the lens of one’s early childhood experiences. Children live in a world in which they often see themselves and their caregivers as all-knowing and perfect. This is why children love superheroes. All young children have what could be considered an extreme form of narcissism that can be molded depending on the environment in which they are raised. Children literally think that the world revolves around them. According to Kohut, the development of a healthy self (and healthy narcissism) requires caregivers to accomplish three critical tasks. First, the caregiver should “respond to and confirm the child’s innate sense of vigor, greatness and perfection.” Secondly, parents should be a model “to whom the child can look up and with whom he can merge as an image of calmness, infallibility, and omnipotence” (Kohut & Wolf, 1978, p. 414). Lastly, Kohut believed that parents ought to “evoke a sense of essential likeness between the child and themselves.” In other words, Kohut believed that a child running into the room with a Superman cape “needs to have his exuberance enjoyed” rather than dismissed. The extreme narcissism of a child is the key to her eventually understanding her flaws and limitations. The idea is that if a caregiver does not acknowledge and/or respond to the normative, immature kind of narcissism present in children, then the child will be left feeling as though he/she is not enough or not capable.
So, when do you know if you are truly in the presence of a “narcissist.” At the root of adult narcissism is an extremely poor and fragile self-esteem. However, a true narcissist will not present herself in this fashion. Narcissists are often extremely likeable and charming at first glance. They are charismatic, the life of the party, the ones with the “best” things, the most extravagant experiences and the coolest stories. Everything in the world of the narcissist is the greatest and most unique thing you have ever heard.
In the presence of a narcissist, you may initially feel an exuberance and admiration of your strengths. You may “vibe” together. However, this honeymoon fades as quickly as it appears. After a while, you may feel depleted and drained. You could feel pressured to love everything about the narcissist in order to keep his attention. You likely will be unable to get a word in edgewise, offer any alternative perspectives, or express your feelings. In the eyes of the narcissist, you are little more than a mirror with which to reflect a beautiful image of perfection. If that image becomes less-than-ideal, your relationship with the narcissist is threatened. Suddenly, the vibes are gone and the narcissist must find a new mirror, lest he face his flaws or imperfections. Remember that behind every narcissist is a child longing to put on his Superman cape, walk through walls, and fly faster than a speeding bullet. The person with a healthy self-image understands that she cannot fly, however retains a sliver of childhood whimsy and exuberance of the original immature narcissistic state.
